"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for the team, the squad and I'm sorry for all England fans. They deserve something better." Sven Goran Eriksson after a recent disappointing World Cup performance
As the Rangers walked onto the pitch, the spirit of the players was high. The banter was flying and Mini quipped how the ref looked more like a Baywatch lifeguard in his flip flops and Bermuda shorts then a football ref… the irony of those words only became apparent as the match wore on.
Kick off was a fairly bright affair, and almost straight away Mini seemed to pick up a loose ball and fire it into the back of the Canaries net. Unbelievably, another two goals from Mini followed in quick succession racking up what must be the fastest ever hatrick in Rangers history. The Canaries looked stunned as they pulled the ball back to the centre spot for their 4th kick off in less than 5 minutes. Defensively it was also looking good. Mr T was being shielded well, with very few Canaries getting shots off and so he had a comfortable start to the game. The one time the Canaries did get a good shooting opportunity, Mark was more than equal to the shot and saved it with style.
About one quarter of the way through the game though the tide seemed to change for the worse. Maybe it was over confidence, or laziness on behalf of the Rangers, but all of a sudden it seemed that there was always at least one slackly marked Canary. This seemed to be the undoing of the hard fought lead. The Canaries were able to progress up the pitch, with easy, low risk passes. With enough time on the ball to get it under control before a Ranger would trouble them, the Canaries were making very few mistakes and were able to get into great positions and fire several dangerous shots off… the goals inevitably followed. As the Rangers lead dwindled, and then vanished, the Rangers seemed unable to regroup and rally. It was a disappointing sight, and one particularly gutting for Mini who’d worked so hard to establish such a great lead in the first place. Nev tried to inspire the Rangers by showing his raw passion with some gutsy hard challenges in an attempt to lift the spirits of his team mates… on this occasion sadly, it didn’t seem to work, and the downward spiral of his team mates continued.
There were several peculiar calls from the ref through the first half as it seemed that after allowing a free flowing start, he had changed his mind and would now not allow the Rangers to be physical in challenges. This was in spite of several tough challenges from the Canaries in the corners which went unpunished. The Canaries seemed able to read what the ref would allow and adapt better than the Rangers, though it was only a minor niggle for them at this point.
The Rangers had a bloodied nose at the half time break. The score was something like 5-3 against them, but the game was still within their reach, and so whilst it was difficult to shake the air of disappointment after the commanding early lead. The optimistic amongst them were hopefully the Canaries lack of subs would play a part as they tired in the second half allowing the Rangers to take charge of the game again.
The Rangers took there positions for the kick off. After a quick look up from Mini to survey his fellow team mates whereabouts, he laid it towards John holding the position at the back on the edge of the D. Shiz made a sprint forward down the left wing screaming for the Pie man to pass it to him… but the ball never came, and instead the refs whistle started blowing! Had a fight from a late challenge broken out? No one knew. Confusion reigned. The ref then inform all the players that the Kick off would have to be re-taken as “I hadn’t blown my whistle to signal the start of the half!” The Canaries and Rangers looked at each other, then the ref, and then started to laugh. The ref was approaching new heights of analness, and was inflating his ego to epic levels. What this game needed was a regime change? But where were our American cousins to help us out with this task in our hour of need?
The match kicked off again, and it was the usual end to end play that typifies 5-a-side matches. Rangers held the line for a while, and then started to slip back into bad habits. The marking started to become looser again, enabling the Canary player receiving the pass to get the ball under control before any pressure was put on him. A couple of players were marking closely, and the frustration could be seen, as they tried to set the example for other Rangers to follow, they probably overcompensated and stayed to close to their men. The Canaries no 6, “Mears”, was ruthless in exploiting this. A clever first touch, and he gained that fraction of a yard over the likes of Nev and Shiz, and with Mears’s calm composure on the ball, was able to get shots away which had a habit of finding the back of the net.
In the nets, Mr T was having a tough game now and unlike his namesake, would probably have given anything to get on an aeroplane and fly away from this one. As the defensive play of the Rangers unwound in front of him, gaps were left everywhere. Rangers were flattering the Canaries and making them look better than they were. No one seemed willing to stick a foot in when Mears had the ball at his feet, and on a few occasions he just seemed to rip through the centre of the pitch, getting past numerous Rangers, and unleash a humdinger of a shot which beat Mr T a few times.
Worse was to come as the Refs already poor standard hit new lows. The Rangers seemed to be coming worse off on many 50/50 challenges, as if they used their strength, then the Canaries got a free kick, and if they didn’t, they simply got bounced off the ball by the physical Canaries. It was a bizarre state of affairs, and one which in previous seasons would have seen John “Krakatoa” Hornsby explode at the ref. This time, to his credit, he kept a lid on it. He had approached the ref calmly at half time, but sadly to no effect. This ref was clearly a control freak, and was determined that the game would be remembered more for his performance, than the players.
Just as the Rangers were falling to bits, Mini popped up for one last gamble. Striding down the left hand wing, he cut into the centre to rifle home a rocket of a shot… “Back of the net!”. Could this be the start of the Rangers come back? Sadly it wasn’t to be as the Canaries reply was quick, ruthless and efficient and the Rangers conceded yet another goal from loose marking giving the opposition that crucial second or so to get the ball under control.
The Rangers re-grouped but sadly, what spirit that was left in the team completely vanished in what can only be described as 2 minutes of complete madness from Big Pete. It’s fair to say at this stage in the game, that nobody was having a good one for the Rangers, but the Bacon Boy didn’t seem to want to stay with the pack, and set out on a mission to plumb new depths. At one point, he managed to intercept the ball running towards Mark in nets, with the Canary player behind him. Any sane person would have then taken the easy pass back to Mark for a simple recovery to what was a good Canary attack. Sadly, Fozzer decided a blind back heel was the order of the day, and this predictably went to the Canary player behind him. Not content with just this, less than a minute later, The Commissioner again found himself in a similar situation, with the ball at this feet heading back towards Mark. Bizarrely, he continued travelling in this direction even though he was heading towards a Canary attacker between him and Mark! Like stealing candy from a baby, the Canary managed to tackle P Biggy and the ball bounced behind the Pete-O-phile. With the turning circle of a battle ship, the B N Pete ran in a semi circle in an attempt turn round and face the Canary attacker who now had the ball. Why this Ranger has still not learnt to turn on the spot is a mystery, and one, like the question of how the Pyramids were built, that will probably never be answered satisfactorily. As Piggy finally got round to facing the right direction, the Canary player ran past him in the space he’d made by running in a semi circle. The Pigman then decided to carry on running and complete the full circle in an attempt to face the Canary who had just moved with the ball towards Mark. At this point, the Pigster seemed to either become dizzy, or have a seizure or something, as he lost his footing from running in a circle and ended up on the floor with his legs peddling in the air. Rolling around like a beetle trying to get up off its back, he managed on his second attempt to lift himself off the floor, but the damage had been done. After witnessing what several Rangers players later described as their “lowest moment EVER in playing football”, the fight was well and truly gone from them, and pleas to the ref to stop the massacre and blow the whistle were unanimous from the Rangers. The tune of the Clown song being sung loudly from the side line by the sub and the fans could also be heard as the Rangers heads dropped, gathered the ball from the back of the net, and went to take yet another kick off.
Actions spoke louder than words, and after the final whistle was blown, there was no need for a post match post-mortem, and the Rangers sloped off, in relative silence, ashamed at the performance that they had just put in. The thought of re-living the match so soon after playing it proving too much for most of them.
Nev goal watch - 34
Big Pete Beatle Breakdance watch - 1
